doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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