On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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