I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
