Already got asked if we're dating
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she peed on how many people?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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