I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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