omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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