I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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