two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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