guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
