No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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