Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
