At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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