a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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