Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Please don't give away my fajitas
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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