If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
