Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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