I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
