Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
