I want to walk on stilts...naked
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
