I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the day after is always just damage control
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
