so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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