It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
