i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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