Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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