Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
