found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk is not a location!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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