Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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