What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize