I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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