Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits