Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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