Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
