I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You ever have a fart follow you around?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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