Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Randomize
