its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
