my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
