when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
