Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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