Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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