Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
