His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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