They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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