My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
