Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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