so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
