Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
