you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
