I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
