I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
