I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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