My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
