How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
