Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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