Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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