If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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