Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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