im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
