i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
