dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
