Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
