he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
