Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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